A new plan for 2012

It's almost the middle of February and most of us are well and truly back into the swing of things again after the Christmas break.

Wendy, Rachael and I have been chatting about we'll do things on this blog this year and have decided on a new approach. We won't be planning series like we have in the past, but will blog about things as they crop up. It might be a link to something interesting that relates to ministry wives, or a review of a relevant book we've just read, or it might just be an observation or question or thing that God has been teaching us that we want to share.

If you want to make sure you don't miss out when we do update the blog, you can subscribe by email or in a reader (see the buttons on the right hand side), or follow us on facebook. We look forward to your input and comments and feedback this year!

Books Review: The Meaning of Marriage

The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller

Timothy Keller has just released a new book, The Meaning of Marriage.  In doing so, he has done his Christian audience a great service.  What he has done is to lift our vision of marriage much higher that just the husband and wife. He places God squarely at the centre of every marriage and as the creator of marriage. 

He seeks to provide an answer to questions such as: What is meaning of marriage? Why does marriage exist? What does it mean to enter a covenant? What is Christian friendship, and how does it find its fullest expression in marriage? Where does the power to continue in marriage come from? How then shall we view singleness?

Keller strongly grounds this work in the word of God, and ends up providing a very helpful framework of marriage as being a relationship of Christian friendship, promised in a covenant of love, powered by the Holy Spirit. 

For those of us in ministry and often talking to people about their marriage or their singleness, as well as preparing couples for marriage, this book is an excellent resource.  You could use it:

• together as you consider your own marriage,
• as a resource for already married couples to raise their eyes as to the purpose of their relationship,
• for engaged couples, to give them a solid grounding in God’s view of marriage and the importance of the relationship,
• for anyone wanting to think ‘theologically’ about marriage, and
• for single people, to ensure they have a God-centred view of marriage as they approach their relationships and life choices. 

If you would like to read some more detailed chapter reviews as well as some quotes, switch over to Wendy's musings blog - Ch 1-3 and Ch 4-8.

book review: Help for Clergy Wives

Help for Clergy Wives: How to Please Without being a Pleaser by Patricia Harper Cummings is a book full of wisdom for Clergy wives.  There are practical tips about budgeting, table etiquette,  finding a good mechanic and managing house-guests.  There are suggestions for handling criticism, learning to say 'no' and discovering one's self-identity. There's an especially insightful chapter on 'ways that don't work' warning us against the sorts of methods we might employ to manipulate situations for our own ends.  Written in short chapters and conversational prose, it is easy to read.  There are even some recommended recipes at the back.   Essentially this is a book about how to be that perfect minister's wife (even though she claims it isn't).

The down-side of all this advice is that some of the practical tips don't transfer across the Pacific or across generations. If she were ever to produce a second edition, I would highly recommended putting the first four chapters at the end, or as an appendix. As it is, it begins a little like a handbook for housewives and I almost didn't keep reading.

At some points I agree with her whole-heartedly;

The introductory phrase "This is the pastor's wife," used to make me cringe. That's because at one point I had allowed the role to envelope me. I, the "real" me, had somehow gotten lost in that description. As a result, I learned that I needed to redefine myself in terms of whom I am - a child of God. I needed to remember, first, last and always, who I am in Christ. An time I find that I have gotten lost along the way, I always go back to this: "Jesus Christ and him crucified." As I mediate on that phrase, I find that I am drawn back to the foundation, because my core reality and my spiritual foundation is Christ himself. I remember that the most important thing I can do for my soul's sake is to make time to bask in His presence- time spent with Jesus, the One who died for me. As I rest there, on the bosom of the resurrected Jesus, He restores my soul.

And I really like the way she structures the chapter "ways that work" around scripture; Deuteronomy 10:12-13 (note the imperatives: Fear, Walk, Love, Serve, Keep) and Luke 10:38-42 (spending time with Jesus).

At other points, I don't agree. And the two are often so mixed up I can't work out why I don't like it. For instance;

I've found it's up to me to created the boundaries I need, and [my husband] sets his own boundaries as well. No one can or will do this for us; we need to learn to say no. I've learned I have a God-given right to privacy. I have a right to space. I have a right to time. I have a right to my own calling and ministry. I have realized it is not loving to allow someone to take advantage of me or to overstep their bounds into my space. When I model that I have genuine needs, and a legitimate God-given right to them, I am modeling behavior for others who have gotten themselves into the same unhealthy mode that I did in the past. I want to be the one who models how to say "no" firmly and lovingly.

At another point she quotes from an article about Orthodox clergy wives about the wife's primary responsibility being to care for her husbands' well-being, and then goes on,

If this is even partly so, and I truly believe it is, then how much more important it is for the clergy wife to take care of herself. If she waits to find out who is going to minister to the minister's wife, she'll have a long wait. It would be nice were it otherwise, but it's not. So there you have it: it's up to you. Take care of yourself.

Ah, the language of boundaries, self-care and personal space. I loathe it but have come to understand it's necessity.  Still, it feels so un-christian.  I don't think I should have to say to a young wife, "Take care of yourself because no-one else will" because I think there should be a multitude of people to take care of her.  Her husband, for starters, should take care of her.  And her sisters in Christ (older and younger) should be looking out for her as she for them.  I'd rather we say Take Care of Each Other and let's be done with the language of self-care.  Maybe I'm dreaming.  What do you think?

Let me also recommend that you restrict your diet of "ministry-wife" books to as often as you would eat fruit-loops.  There is a certain same-ness about them and lack of theological depth that really concerns me.

10 years on...

Here's a great post from Jenny reflecting on 10 years of being a "minister's wife".

Are you in the same situation?  What would you say?  How have your expectations changed?

Would love to know your thoughts.

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Feminine Faith

As this chapter begins, McCulley openly acknowledges it is an overview chapter designed to present some issues of feminine faith and to encourage us to be women fruitful for God’s glory.

Indeed it is an overview, and I found myself wanting more. As she says, there are other books on the subject – but I wanted more meat in this section. After reading about all the problems that feminism has given us, some more thoughts about how to proceed today would have been helpful.

Having said that, McCulley clearly says what needs to be said – we need to look to God’s word for our guidance in everything, and the gospel is all we need. We do not need to be recognised by the world’s standards, but loved and saved by Jesus.

I finish with the words of John Piper, which she quotes, which describe strong women, whom we all could strive to be:

…Strong women! I think they are magnificent testimonies to Christ. Because if they are complementarian…they are combining things the world can’t explain. They are combining a sweet, tender, kind, loving, submissive, feminine beauty with his massive steel in their backs and theology in their brains! (p187)

I feel this book touched on many issues and helped me understand history more and how it has affected the present, yet left me wanting more about how to live a feminine faith today. Did others feel this way?

Do any of you have any book suggestions that others who are still interested in this topic might find helpful?

Hope you have enjoyed this series, I have!

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Raunch Culture Rip Off

This chapter is the one that many of us will find the most distressing, and yet also the most relevant. McCulley explains where the third and current wave of feminism has brought us – to today, a sex-saturated, porn-filled world where women mistakenly believe that by treating sex and their bodies as a commodity they are empowered in the process.

McCulley has done a good job of presenting the relevant issues in a discreet way. She even warns that young girls should not be reading the chapter.

A backlash has developed over recent years over this issue, and it’s not only Christians who are speaking out against it. Many others are appalled at what they see happening to women (and men), as a result of widely accessible pornography, the ‘hook-up’ casual approach to sexual intimacy, and the prevailing opinion that modesty equals shame.

One of the ways to combat this as Christians is to be open about the wonderful blessing sexual intimacy is, but within the framework of marriage alone:

We need to combat any false notions of sexuality and piety by presenting a clear and unblushing portrayal of marital intimacy. A generation that is well acquainted with the physical variations of sex needs to hear about the powerful security, attraction, and emotional freedom that attend monogamous marital fidelity. (p178)

Mothers and older women need to speak to younger women openly about the wonderful gift of intimacy in marriage and how, with the benefit of hindsight, they know the damage caused by sexual activity outside of marriage.

This is one of the issues that worries me most with my own children. We live in a sex-saturated society. I want to protect my son and daughters from it as much as possible. I know that God is in control, and some days, that is all I can cling to, as I see the world they are growing up in. I know that God is good and sovereign, but sometimes, I just want to keep them locked up until they are 25!

Things to think about:

• How has the ‘raunch culture’ affected you and the way you feel about yourself?
• What message do you want to pass on to younger women? Who could you pass it on to?

Next week: Chapter 8: Feminine Faith

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Mommy Wars

McCulley addresses the devaluing of both women (as wives/child-raisers/homemakers) and children that has occurred over the last two centuries.

It’s a long chapter and well worth reading yourself. In brief, the concept of motherhood being less valued than all other pursuits has occurred in three stages:

• It began in the 19th C when the bulk of economic activity moved from farms and homes into factories. Therefore the household was no longer the workplace, but rather a place of replenishment for workers.
• It continued as a form of social Darwinism, when it was claimed that child-rearing should become a professionalised collective activity. This followed from the idea that most women were unproductive and indolent.
• The third stage was with Margaret Sanger, the founder of modern birth control, who believed that large families, especially from parents she deemed unfit were the cause of most evils. She believed in the possibility of a superior race and eugenics, a cause later promoted by Nazi Germany.

Then, McCulley moves from women to children:

of the myriad changes created by second-wave feminism, the most pronounced would be the movement’s unwavering commitment to abortion. (p132)

What is also clearly a result of abortion becoming legalised (or at least tolerated) in most societies, is that female feticide (the aborting of female fetuses) has cost millions of women’s lives. It is estimated that over 100 million girls should have been born in the world, but have not. 50 million of these in China and 43 million in India. For cultures that value a son much more highly than a daughter, there is now a huge disproportion between the sexes.

I remember reading an article about this a few years ago –this first generation of selective sex children are now reaching adulthood. But there are not enough wives to go around. So, you have a large group of men, with no prospective wives and a lot of excess testosterone in society. Not a recipe for peace.

McCulley then turns to briefly address some other issues, including:

• surrogacy, egg and sperm donation and implications of such technology
• fertility and that refusal of many to acknowledge it’s limited window

I think, as I watch younger women and the choices they make, fertility is one area where few are prepared to think about it honestly. Many women (and I include myself in this) fell for the line “You can have it all”, yet

those of us who have tried, however, know that it is not true. It may be possible to have it all, but not at the same time. (p138)

Yet I continue to watch young women in our churches mapping out their future with little idea of the reality of fertility or lack of it: “I’ll develop my career till my thirties, and get married in there, then sometime in my mid-thirties we’ll have children.”

I often have to ask young (married) women now, “Do you want to have a family, and if so, when do you plan to fit it in?” And this is not just women who would like a career, this is also women planning their life of ministry service, but thinking that having a family would be the end of their ‘ministry’. Please hear me correctly, I am fully supportive of women in jobs they like and find satisfying. It’s just that the message of ‘I can do it all’ has so permeated us as women, that often we do not stop and think ‘maybe I can’t’ until it’s too late.

She finishes the chapter with words of encouragement to mothers currently ‘in the trenches’:

I think it is easy for mothers to lose sight of the big picture when they are consumed with the daily ‘ordinariness’ of life. I hope that this chapter has helped you… to take the long view of what you are doing in training the next generation to be worshipers of God.’ (p140)

and also to older women. She encourages ‘empty nesters’ to start thinking of themselves as ‘open nesters’ – open to ministering to other people. Younger women need advice, help, guidance and instruction – from God’s word, as well as how to love their husbands, train their children and manage their home (Titus 2). There is a dearth of godly wisdom out there – for those of you who have lived it, please share it with the rest of us!


Things to think about:

• If you are a mother, do you value it as a role? Why or why not?
• If you are not a mother, do you value it as a role? Why or why not?
• Do you / or did you think you could have it all – husband, kids, career, personal satisfaction, etc? Have you managed to?
• If you are an ‘empty nester’, are you prepared to become an ‘open nester’?

Next week: Chapter 7: Raunch Culture Rip Off