Holidays...

Merry Christmas to you all from us here at in tandem. We hope you have a lovely time with family and friends celebrating the birth of Christ.

We know it is an especially busy time for those of us in full-time ministry. So, we hope you also get a chance to reflect on what God has done in sending his son for us as a baby this Christmas, and a chance to celebrate Jesus and his birthday.

We will be on holidays for a few weeks, enjoying the summer with our families and friends. We look forward to starting up again in mid-January.

See you then!



photo from stock.xchng

Opportunities: Round up

It's almost Christmas and we've come to the end of the 2nd part of our 3 part Marriage and Ministry series. In this part we've looked at some of the blessings and opportunities that come with being married to a man in full time ministry. Here are some links to the posts if you've missed some:



Introduction: The opportunities

Gifts and opportunities

Serving by enabling his service

Serving with your husband

Awareness

Flexibility

In the new year (after we've had a bit of a break), I'm going to do the third part of this series: 'the difficulties' and how to respond to them.

Hope you have a great Christmas and a refreshing break!

The opportunities (iv): flexibility of his work hours

Up to this point in this series on opportunities to serve Jesus that come with being married to a man in full time ministry, I've looked at:

- the opportunity to enable your husbands ministry;

- the opportunity to serve alongside your husband (in a variety of different ways - not necessarily all 'public ministry');

- the opportunities that come with the extra awareness of needs you have because of your husbands role.

The final type of opportunity I want to focus on are the opportunities that come because of the flexibility of time that comes with full time ministry.

Most of our husbands, of course, will probably be working VERY hard so you may be wondering 'what time?'. They will also be working unusual hours. When Dave was in church based ministry, he worked most nights and weekends and would have a day off during the week. I used to find this frustrating - and would feel lonely on the weekends. But the unusual hours also come with more flexibility than most jobs - so there were positives too, which I can probably see more clearly now that he works at a theological college and his hours are a bit more ‘normal’ (although even now there's flexibility: evening lectures or desk work at home; deputation preaching, church camps and conferences, etc on the weekends; and on the other side of the ledger, the freedom to go into work a bit later or to come home a bit earlier some days of the week).

Here are some that I particularly think are worth being thankful for:

* It has some aspects that work really well when you've got a young family! When Dave was a pastor, he used to be able to arrange his day so that he could be home to help me with the crazy time before and after dinner. We'd be able to do the whole bed/bath/stories routine together, before he went out to visit someone or lead a meeting or lead a Bible study. My friends whose husbands worked in the city would often do that whole routine themselves before their husbands returned from a long day at work.

I have some friends whose husbands can help with school drop-offs and pick ups - or because they work from home, a sleeping baby doesn't need to be woken up to go and pick the kids up from school (this is a big plus!!).

* The flexibility of your husbands hours means that sometimes you can be freed up to do things other women aren’t in a position to do – especially with young kids. If you want to teach Scripture in the middle of the day, your husband is more likely to be able to make himself available to mind the kids for an hour so you can do this than someone with his own business or an office job, and so on…

* There are more opportunities to do evangelism together. We've found that we've both been able to get involved at our local school because of the flexibility in Dave's week now (and the proximity to his work). He can drop the kids off from time to time and get to know the other parents and teachers and up till now he has stayed with the girls for the first 45 minutes of the day on one day of the week so I can do reading groups with Jacob's class. He can take Jacob to rugby training and get to know the husbands of the mums I'm getting to know at school.

What else have you found to be the opportunities that come with the flexibility of pastoral work? Have I left anything important off the list?

Going the Distance - Chapter 7

Chapter 7: The pastor's family

The clergy family lives in the midst of a larger congregational family ... This can be good news or bad news, depending on the quality of the relationship between the two families. (Jack Balswick & Cameron Lee, quoted p99)

The balance between family life and ministry can be a difficult juggling act. Work pressures can push out relationships, and family can be left feeling isolated and alone. Some couples need to honestly assess their work in ministry and their marriage, and ensure that the marriage is not being ignored. Read this heartfelt quote from a minister:

I tried to explain my behaviour as immature zeal to serve God but this was yet another spiritual sounding defense, totally unacceptable. The real issue was whether I loved my work more than I love my wife. The ministry had clearly come between us. I had never imagined that a call could become a seduction that would destroy a marriage. Nor had I been aware of how subtly a ministry can give one an inflated view of one's own importance. (quoted on p1o3)

I'm sure all of us know of ministry marriages that have failed. I wonder how many of them are due to work pressures and the 'other woman' that is actually the job itself.

Brain suggests that a helpful theological mindset, which puts God at the centre, and everything else branching out from that can work to prevent the three pressures which attack healthy family life:

• workaholism - the drifting into a life dominated by work. Ministers may claim they are 'doing God's work', but surely caring for their marriage and family is also 'God's work'
• scapegoating - the tendency to misdirect frustrations from work into the ones we love and live with.
  
• sublimation - the redirection of energy and time by the spouse (here we are talking about the minister's wife) into other things as a result - usually the children or work.
  

Throughout the chapter, Brain makes a number of suggestions:

• Don't be a minister at home - the minister is a husband and father at home, before he is a minister. Our families should be treated as family, not as parishioners

• Use 'time-outs' as priority times with family. These include meal times, days off and holidays. He makes some observations about whether or not you should be contactable and willing to return on holiday (in almost all cases, Brain says no - you are not indispensable)

• Don't take each other for granted - talk about issues when they come up, be willing to listen to each other and your children. Give each other time together as a couple and as a family.

• Don't break promises - take that day off, don't answer the phone, finish the sermon in enough time...

• Spend time with your children - schedule it in your diary if needed. Do not expect too much of them as clergy kids, but remind them of the benefits of being a clergy kid.

• Value your family immensely - they will be your family long after you have finished this job or finished your work of ministry.

He also gives some helpful and biblical advice on how to handle regrets we may have in this area.


Some things to think about:

1. How is your family going at balancing both family life and ministry?
2. What areas could you improve in?

Next time: Chapter 8 - Sexual temptation in the ministry

Interview with Lyndal Webb

Can you tell us a bit about yourself, your husband and ministry etc?

While being a Pharmacy Student at Sydney Uni and boarding at the then Deaconess House, I became a Christian and met Ross who was living across the road at MTC. Wasn’t much later that I was considering being a minister or missionary’s wife! It turned out to be the latter and in 1982 with our then 1 year old son, Christopher (and later to be joined by number 2 son Paul), we headed to Papua New Guinea as members of Wycliffe Bible Translators. For the next 17 years we lived in a bush community of Irumu speaking people, working with them towards the Irumu New Testament and Psalms which was published in 1997. In 2003 Ross and I moved from the mountains to the sea where Ross is Director of Wycliffe work in Vanuatu so together we oversee much of the Bible Translation work here. Christopher and Karen and Paul and Beth live in Australia.

What have been some of the joys of being in ministry?

The long term joys - I have loved the fact that Ross and I have been able to work together in our job – different tasks, but aiming at the same thing. Family life as a Bible translator is a bonus plus too! Then there are the more momentary joys which I am always thankful to God for giving me; it's hard to beat reading the Bible with ladies in their own language and seeing it hit the spot – there’s something even more special about it across cultures I think; and translating a version of Pilgrim’s Progress with a friend when she saw the direct application of one part to the village-wide Cargo Cult involvement of the moment – that was exciting. Maybe just glimpses of the Bible making a difference could summarise many of the joyful moments.

What have been some of the challenges?

• Learning a language nothing like English and a culture nothing like Australia's!
  
• Pressing on despite no seeming results was and is a challenge at times – that’s why I praise God for the joys above! Will the Bible really ever make a difference?
  
• Job related, kid-associated challenges would have to be high on the list – would they survive (actually would I!?) being away at boarding school? (they did!) Would they survive returning to Australia after 17 years in PNG? (again, they did!)
  
• Will I survive being in a different country to them now for the sake of the Gospel? (not yet proven!)
  

How does partnership in serving God with your husband work out in practice for you?

It’s changed over the years but I have always been involved in the ‘work’ in one way or another. Of course looking after our children and home-schooling them was a major part of life when they were young but there were still plenty of opportunities to do complementary and supportive pieces of the total whole that Ross was doing full time. Now we just share the load I guess – Ross gives me all the jobs he doesn’t like doing!! (just kidding!!)

What's the one piece of advice you would give to a younger woman about to become a 'ministry' wife?

I have 2 pieces – hope that’s OK! Firstly - appreciate the great pleasure and potential fruit in working together as a couple in God’s service.

And the second one; the books talk about ‘being personally fulfilled’ but I don’t think the Bible talks that way. I believe it is as a couple we decide God wants us to do a particular work – so we’re in it together and my job fulfilment should come in helping him - which may not always mean doing the things I love doing! This can be hard in practise but I think right and in the end brings the most pleasure to our marriage and hopefully to God!

The opportunities (iii): extra awareness

Another opportunity that comes with being married to a man in full time ministry is the extra awareness you have about your brothers' and sisters' struggles and joys. This is particularly true if your husband is working full-time in church based ministry. Being the 'minister's wife' means that you will be more aware of some of the needs that people have than most other people in the congregation.

You won't necessarily hear about everything that's going on. Depending on how your husband deals with confidentiality (and that's worth another post in its own right, some time!) and depending on how much debriefing you and he find helpful at the end of the day, there will be a certain amount of stuff that he becomes aware of and you don't. But even when allowance is made for those 'filtering' factors, there is still, inevitably, a spillover of extra information that comes your way, above and beyond what most other people in the congregation are aware of.

All this extra information can be both a blessing - an opportunity to respond in a way that serves others and glorifies God - and a burden. There can be both privilege and pressure associated with the fact that you are the person to hear if someone’s sick or has had a baby; that you are the first person who comes to mind when your husband is trying to think about someone to mentor one of the younger women at church; that people confide in you in a different way, because you are the ‘minister’s wife’.

So there is a twofold challenge: (i) learning how to resist the temptations to anxious worry, unproductive guilt, the foolish pride that can come with being 'in the know' and the delusionary idea that you are the indispensable fixer of everyone's problems; and (ii) learning how to be thankful for any extra awareness you have of what's going on in other people's lives, and any extra opportunities that you gain to pray and to serve.

If you have any insights into how to respond to that double challenge, I'd love to hear them!

Going the Distance - Chapter 6

Chapter 6 - Anger: Using it constructively

That's not a chapter heading you normally read! But, it's a helpful chapter.

Brain points out why anger is a problem for ministers - 1) ministers (and Christians generally) are not meant to be angry and 2) ministry can be a source of much frustration (eg. expectations, community status or lack of, and the voluntary nature of church leadership can place large stresses on a minister).

Interestingly Brain notes that Hart observed that pastors "are amongst the angriest group of people he works with" (p84). What I find interesting about this statement is a there is a companion to it I heard some years ago - that minister's wives are also one of the angriest groups of people around. They bear the same burdens as their minister husbands, and in addition, they bear the weight of people complaining to them about it. And, I think, as many of us would be willing to admit, women do (generally) take things a little more personally, so personal attack or criticism of our husbands makes us rise up like protective lionesses (same as we do with criticism of our children).

Well then, anger can be a problem for everyone - so the question is, what to do about it?

Brain suggests that anger needs to be understood, acknowledged and then dealt with. We must take care not to allow anger to be expressed in sinful ways (eg. Eph 4:31) - either in anger turned outwards (rage, slander) or turned inwards (malice, bitterness). He says the key here is also in Ephesians, 4:32 - 'Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.' So Brain notes that there are two things from this verse which can help us:

- kindness and tenderheartedness will remind me to be self-controlled, so that I can understand why you too might be angry
- God's forgiveness of me through Christ will alert me to the fact that, if you have wronged me, forgiveness, not anger, should be my response to you. (p87)

Brain does make a distinction between anger as a feeling, and anger as behaviour:

anger...is like an alarm signal that prompts us to make a choice as to how we will behave or respond. We need to have in place ways of knowing what the appropriate choice of behaviour is to be... Here is the place for self-control. To be able to identify and then think carefully about the reason for anger is essential. (p91)

He goes on to show how forgiveness plays a key role here:

"Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you back if you hurt me." As such it "is the antidote to anger. There is no other satisfactory solution to our urge to take revenge." (quoting Hart, p93)

Brain goes on to make some helpful comments about the realities of forgiveness, which are worth reading. He says that forgiveness is a choice, which has to be confirmed consistently - the idea of 'forgive and forget' is rarely helpful or possible. He suggests three attitudes and actions which are involved in forgiveness:

- I will not raise the matter again
- I will not tell others about it
- I will not dwell on it myself (p95)

I found these very helpful personally. With these guides in our minds, we are preventing from mentioning things again and again, and continually thinking about the issues that caused the original anger.

He ends the chapter with some helpful comments on the benefits of anger. It teaches us to trust God, to realise we face situations under God rather than as God, we mature with the proper management of anger, and that we can use good management of anger as a witness to others. I know this to be true in parenting as well. My actions when angry speak volumes - and when I control it well and express it with self-control, my children also learn how to express their anger better.

Some things to think about:

1. Do you struggle with anger?
2. How do you generally express your anger?
3. What could you do better in managing your anger?
4. Do you need to forgive anyone at the moment?

Next Monday: Chapter 7 - The pastor's family

Beyond Titus 2:3-5

I remember when I read my first ever book of the bible all the way through.  From first verse to last verse.  It was Titus.  No very great acheivement, given its size, but it was a life changing experience for me; reading a whole letter, following the argument all the way through, noticing themes and the importance of context and thinking carefully about each verse.  It became for me a priceless treasure not just for what it taught me about reading scripture but also for what it taught.

It was then that I first came across Titus 2:3-5 but since then I have found it cropping up everywhere.  There are seminars, talks, books and blogs about it.  On the whole I am really happy with all of this.  They do a fantastic and much needed job of correcting unbiblical patterns of womanhood.

However, if we never look beyond 2:3-5, then we’ll be completely powerless to do what it says.

One of the themes through Titus is that the teaching of godliness and doctrine are inseparable.  There are a number of aspects to this.  First; we must teach sound doctrine (1:9; 2:15; 3:8) and we must teach godliness (2:1-10, 15).  Second; they are not two unrelated topics to be taught but godliness is the type of living that accords with sound doctrine (2:1-10).  Third; in fact, the link is even closer than this because sound doctrine itself leads to or teaches godliness (1:1; 2:11; 3:8).  That is, we can’t just teach people how to live without teaching doctrine, particularly the doctrine of grace.  That will produce godliness;

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age..."  (Titus 2:11)

No matter how often you hear talks on Titus 2:3-5, how often you recite the verses to yourself, how many books you read about it, if you are not also teaching yourself the truth of the gospel of grace, it’ll be empty and powerless to produce the godliness in your life that you desire.

Next time you do a study on Titus 2:3-5, don’t forget about 2:11-14.

know anyone struggling with Greek?

Here's a great resource for anyone struggling to keep up their Greek after college, wanting to learn Greek independently, or wanting to push themselves on with their Greek.

Reading Greek: Text and Vocabulary was produced by the Joint Associatioin of Classical Teachers.  It's a graded reader.  That is, it's just like those books children use when they are learning to read.  It starts very simply and gets more and more difficult as it goes along.  Each lesson is on a double page with text to read on one side and any vocabulary that you need on the other side.  There is no need to look up dictionaries as you go, which makes reading much easier.  You learn to read and understand by reading and understanding, and you rely less on making a translation as you go.

This book is part of a course developed by the above mentioned Joint Association of Classical Teachers.  The course also uses a smaller book, Reading Greek: Grammar and Exercises which teaches the grammar involved at each reading level and if teaching oneself, Reading Greek: and independant study guide is also recommended.  

The course adapts the Greek classics to provide reading material at very simple levels.  Here it has the advantage over most textbooks that use only New Testament greek.  There is always some reluctance to change the greek NT text, even for educational purposes, and the number of verses that can be found that are appropriate for particular reading levels are limited.  In this reader, the classics are adapted to reading levels just right to move a learner from no Greek to reading and understanding the Greek of the classics.

The second advantage of using classical text over the NT text is that you are less likely to be able to guess what is being said simply because you know your English bible well (although some, I know, will know the Greek classics, too).  

My husband used this book to improve his greek in preparation for teaching a first year Greek course at Talua.  To his surprise he found he couldn't put it down.  He keep wanting to go on to find out what happened next.  Though I haven't looked at Greek for a few years now, when I picked it up I could easily follow what was going on (at least in the first lessons).  

There are some disadvantages.  One, it teaches ATTIC, or classical, Greek which is a little different from the Greek in the New Testament.  It's not as different as I had supposed from my years at college, so I don't think it's very a great disadvantage.  Furthermore, I believe it's very easy, having learnt Attic greek, to learn NT Greek.

Secondly, because the course, if learning independently, requires the purchase of three books, it isn't cheap.  But it might be a worthy investment... 

(abebooks is another online bookstore that may help)

The opportunities (ii): serving with your husband

As in any marriage, marriage to someone who is in full time gospel ministry can bring some specific opportunities to serve with your husband.

The particular circumstances you find yourself in and the needs in your church may throw up all kinds of possibilities. Over the years for example, Dave and I have found ourselves serving side by side in things like preparing couples for marriage, running evangelism courses, parenting seminars and Bible study groups, teaching scripture and Sunday school and leading youth groups. I've really loved these opportunities to do ministry shoulder to shoulder, side by side. As the changing seasons of our family's have closed off some of these doors to us, new ones have opened to take their place.

One kind of ministry you’ll always find yourself doing together is hospitality. Hospitality is not a task that exclusively belongs to families with the husband in full time ministry – but you will probably find that you get more opportunities to do this than the average church member. It’s part of your husband’s task as ‘overseer’ (or at least, one of the character requirements for him to be appointed to the role) and it’s something you get to do with him.

I might try and put together a few thoughts on hospitality for a series sometime in the future (maybe based on this article that I wrote last year?), but in the meantime, what other opportunities have you found that marriage to a man in full time ministry has opened up for you to share in side by side with him? What wisdom have you learned about how to make the most of those opportunities? Any tips you've been given along the way that you might want to pass on?