Respectable Sins: Pt 15 (Sins of the Tongue)

Chapter 21 - Sins of the tongue

Bridges starts the chapter by sharing that the most common response he got when he told people he was writing a book on respectable sins, was "oh, you mean, like gossip".  He suggests that this indicates the sin of gossip is widespread in Christian circles.  I agree - and I know I've been guilty of it.  But while gossip is a common sin of the tongue, he defines 'sins of the tongue'  more broadly than that to:

...also include lying, slander, critical speech (even when true), harsh words, insults, sarcasm and ridicule. In fact, we would have to say that any speech that tends to tear down another person - either someone we are talking about or someone we are talking to - is sinful speech (p. 159)

Bridges differentiates between the various sins of the tongue like this:

Gossip - "Gossip is the spreading of unfavorable information about someone else, even if that information is true.”

Slander - “Slander is making a false statement or misrepresentation about another person that defames or damages the person’s reputation. We slander when we ascribe wrong motives to people, even though we cannot see their hearts or know their particular circumstances.”

Critical speech - "Critical speech is negative comments about someone that may be actually true but doesn't need to be said."

It's a pretty short chapter, and I think that's because it's pretty simple really - we're just not to speak in ways that are not going to build each other up (Ephesians 4:29).  I thought it was helpful that there were some examples of the "Christian" ways we indulge in these sins - sharing gossip as 'prayer points' because we enjoy being thought of as someone who is in the know; slandering someone by ascribing motives to someone (including assumptions that someone is 'not committed'); true negative comments that don't really need to be said.  I've been guilty of all these.  

I also appreciated the way that Bridges reminded us of the fact that we need to examine our hearts on this as well.  It's not only a matter of 'biting our tongue' (as helpful as that is at times!), we also need to look at our hearts and address the thoughts that lead to these sins as well. 

Our real problem is our heart. Behind all of our gossip, slander, critical speech, insults, and sarcasm is our sinful heart. The tongue is only the instruments that reveals what's in our hearts. (p. 162)

It occurred to me as I read this chapter that this is an especially important one for us whose husbands are in full time ministry roles.  We'll hear information that we'll be tempted to pass on.  We'll be tempted to ascribe motives to people who disappoint us and slander them.  We might like the feeling of having more 'inside knowledge' about the church and be tempted to share that knowledge with others to make ourselves feel more important.

One question I had as I read the chapter is how we can guard ourselves against sins of the tongue in whatever support networks we might be in as ministry wives.  Many of us find it really helpful to meet with other ministry wives to share and pray about our struggles.  Any ideas for how to stop this becoming an opportunity to sin in this way?

Finally, I did notice that Carolyn McCulley reviewed a book on this subject last week on her blog.  I'm not sure if the book is good or not (haven't read it yet!), but I did think this advice about avoiding sins of the tongue was helpful:

Identify situations in which you're most tempted to lose control and speak out of turn. Then come up with a strategy for how you'll handle those situations in the future. For instance, you might go for a walk or run errands during your lunch break instead of sitting around the lunchroom trading office gossip. Brainstorm ahead of time things you can say to change the subject of a conversation when a friend takes it in a direction you know you shouldn't go. If you tend to be overly critical of your family, make a list of the positive things that you appreciate about each one and then make a point of complimenting them on those things. Ask a trusted friend or family member to hold you accountable and help you with this. One of my friends has worked out signals with her husband that they use to help each other in social situations. When she starts dominating a conversation and giving unsolicited advice, he gently squeezes her shoulder. When he gets too loud and argumentative, she pats his knee. Together they keep each other on course.