Reasons for a support network (3)

Our first two reasons to be part of a support network are:

1. For mentoring and modelling
2. For understanding

Our third is:

3. For encouragement & accountability

(I do realise all these three reasons are interrelated in a number of ways!)

There are time when we all need to be encouraged (or we need to be the encourager) – to persevere when times are tough. To keep being faithful. To keep trusting in God.

Accountability is a crucial aspect of a support group and should not be ignored. Very few will have the courage to ask the minister’s wife how her personal bible reading is going, whether she is honouring God with her speech, whether she is being godly as she parents her children, what her struggles are and where her sinful tendencies lie. They are probably even less likely to ask the missionary’s wife or their lecturer’s wife!

Yet we need to be asked. Sometimes we long for someone to ask, so that we can be honest. But at the same time, we also choose not to share sometimes don’t we? We don’t open up in our bible study group, because it doesn’t seem completely appropriate. We are very careful who we share with, and to what depth.* The ability to be open and honest with someone, in a way that includes accountability, is a great thing.


Next few posts: Our various support networks



* It’s worth asking the question though – do we hold back appropriately or do we use it as an excuse not to disclose? A friend of mine commented “I do wonder whether this should be challenged, and whether we should try to open up more than we actually do. After all, we are called to share our lives with one another within the body of Christ, and to be an example to one another in how we work through issues of sin. I do wonder whether sometimes we inappropriately use 'being a ministry wife' as a way of getting out of being appropriately open with others...”. I’d love to know what you think!

Reasons for a support network (2)

The first reason to be part of a support network is for mentoring and modelling.

The second is:

2. For understanding.

If you are a ministry wife, other ministry wives are likely to understand certain parts of your life in a way others will not. The same applies for missionary wives, theological lecturer’s wives, student minister wives, ministry trainee wives, etc.

It can be incredibly heartening to have someone understand what you are going through. Whether it’s a joy or a struggle – having someone who has done it already or is also doing it now means you are not alone – others understand.

Part of this can also help us to keep our perspective. Your husband may be out most nights, but perhaps he can be home for dinner, bathtime & bedtime, the way other husbands cannot. He can usually be pretty flexible with his work hours, meaning if you need him home, he can often make it happen. You do have a public role and you may feel like you are in a fishbowl, but chances are you are also prayed for and loved by your community. The understanding and perspective provided by others in similar circumstances can help us to find the positives when we need to, but also acknowledge the struggles when that is helpful. Someone who understands can also remind us of what we already know or what we have forgotten.

Reasons for a support network (1)

Why be part of a support network?

In some ways the answer seems obvious – you either want to get support or you want to provide support (and hopefully both!)

There are three reasons I think we should want to be involved in supporting one another in ministry:

Here is the first:

1. For mentoring and modelling.

Titus 2 tells us that Titus was to teach:

...the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. (Titus 2:3-5).

We have to learn & be taught these things – they do not come naturally!

1 Tim 3:11 speaks more specifically of the wives of leaders:

In the same way, their wives* are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.
(*wives of deacons, but could be applied to all church leaders, and probably even more broadly)

When we read passages about wives, or about leaders and their wives, we know that it matters how we live. Yet at various times we all struggle with how we are to live the Christian life, let alone the ‘full-time ministry life’ (however it looks!). We need women to model ourselves on, women who can teach us and who we can learn from. Likewise, we know that other women are likely modelling themselves on us (scary thought that is!). Rather than fear such a thing, we can acknowledge it and use it helpfully.


A support network, whether made of 2 individuals or a group of people provides an opportunity to:

• model yourself on someone (older &/or wiser) as they live their life of ministry;
• mentor those who are younger &/or less experienced than you; and
• to do both of these with peers.

A new series - Support Networks

Support Networks

Being married to a man in full-time ministry has many privileges and many opportunities. We have the unique chance to be very involved in people’s lives, to be asked for advice, to be a sounding-board, to support those in hard times and to encourage people to persevere. We can share the bible with unbelievers, support our husbands in their roles, and raise our children to know and love Jesus.

At the same time, because so much is often asked of us, we can start to wonder:

• What about me?
• What about when I need help?
• Who do I talk to about my concerns, my questions of doubt, my struggles with sin, my marriage?

And, we can look at other wives in ministry around us and think:

• How is she really going?
• What struggles does she have which she can’t or doesn’t share with others?
• Is anyone asking her how she is loving & serving God at the moment?

This new series is about Support Networks. It’s going to be relevant for all of us, whether we have support around us or not, and whether we feel we need them or not.

As we go through this series, I hope that we can keep in mind 2 aspects:

1. Ourselves – what kind of support we need to sustain our ministry
2. Others – very few of us operate in a ministry vacuum, separated from any other people in ministry. If you feel well-supported, think about those around you who might not be. If you wish you had been better supported in your first years of ministry, consider finding someone who is in that position now and help them.

Next few posts: Reasons for a Support Network

to go or to stay (3)

If I am completely honest, it all probably boiled down to this: I knew that if we stayed for next year, it would be one of the most difficult years of my life. I wanted to go home where everything wouldn't be quite so difficult; where there would be a school to send the children to, where there were hospitals with personnel I could trust, and where there were friends and family I could talk to. If there was just as much work to do at home, surely it was time to go.

Was it worth putting aside all those things for the work that we could do here? In fact, was it worth putting aside all those things for the work that Glen could do here (I wouldn't be doing anything worth writing home about)? Was he doing anything worthwhile or were we wasting everyone's money on an extended tropical island holiday?

With only two weeks to our deadline we now began to talk in earnest. And we prayed.

My prayer was simple. I asked God to show me. I'm still not sure that it was the right prayer to pray, but in His kindness he answered. Every day over the next two weeks the answer came. In different ways each day, but each day the answer came and the answer was the same.

We saw how empty churches have become in villages. We listened to talks which spoke directly to our situation (particularly challenging our thinking about non-indigenous involvement in evangelism). There were new sponsors offering to support us (in fact we received our highest ever monthly income that month), unsolicited comments from staff, visiting lecturers, pastors on other islands, ordinary villagers and (most importantly to my mind) from students.

I was quite bewildered. God had shown me, and given me the conviction I lacked. Yes, it was worth it. Again we talked through what we should do. We prayed. We agreed that we would offer to stay.

The very next morning the Principal came. He asked if we would be willing to stay. Yes, we said.

Next year will be a difficult year for me. Yet I know in whose hands I am held and He is trustworthy. Vanuatu is in desperate need of proclamation of the gospel of grace. It is deeply religious, but largely bound in fear. We believe that after six years of preparation, we are more ready for this task that ever before. Please pray for us!

to go or to stay (2)

We needed to make a decision about whether or not to offer to stay at Talua by the middle of July. There were lots of reasons to return to Australia. Glen had been asked to apply for an attractive (but challenging) ministry position back in Sydney. I was becoming more and more anxious about raising girls in Vanuatu. Next year, with a new baby, and home schooling, I could expect to be even more tied to the house than I have been, the sense of loneliness and isolation would only increase and my involvement in community decrease (again).

Many missionaries to Vanuatu in recent times have not stayed more than six years at a time. Even John Paton only stayed four years in his first stretch*. Who did we think we were that we should we be the ones that stay longer? We've been here six years but really, what fruit has there been? Glen still even preaches in English, unsure that he can say what he wants to say in Bislama.

Perhaps it was time to step aside and let some others come that God will bless with greater and more abundant fruit.

These were the thoughts that raced around in my mind. I sought to collect them and order them and pray about them. I sought for foundations upon which to make decisions. This is where I ended up:

God is absolutely sovereign. He works everything according to his purpose and plan. In this truth I found the wings that lifted me out of my despair of ever finding God's will. I was freed me to pray and to think. If we ended up returning to Australia, that would have been under His hand. And if we stayed, then that also would have been under His hand. It didn't mean we were not resposible for making a good and wise decision, but it did mean that we could completely trust Him to be guiding our thoughts, to be controlling circumstances and to be inspiring His people around us to help and advise.

It was a matter of wisdom. When making a decision like this, many sinful attitudes can come into play; pride, despair, anxiety, selfishness. But the actual decision would not have a 'sinful' outcome. We were not making a decision where one choice would be right and the other wrong; where one would be fleeing sin and the other embracing godliness; where one would be the will of Satan and the other the will of God. Trusting in God to help us, we would make a wise decision about where best to serve Him.

The work of saving the Lost. Australia is a godless place, desperately in need of the grace of God. So is Vanuatu. There would be much work to do in both places. We could faithfully serve God wherever he led us.

God is absolutely good and absolutely faithful. He would take care of us and sustain us wherever he led us.

A closed door doesn't stay necessarily stay closed. Whatever we decided, it didn't have to be permament. If we stayed at Talua, it didn't have to be forever. If we returned to Australia, we could always come back another time.

I had found peace about making a decision, but was still no closer to that decision. I wanted to have my own thoughts clear before discussing it with Glen. It was now the end of June.

* download John Piper's talk about John G. Paton (a pioneering missionary to Vanuatu) here. There were very different reasons for his leaving when he did! And he returned.

to go or to stay?

This was the question that dominated our thoughts earlier in the year. Should we offer to stay for another two year appointment or is it time to go back to Australia?

In reflecting on our dilemma, it occurred to me that it's one many of us face multiple times in our lives. Should we stay? Or is it time to move on?

We all want to make the right decision, the wisest decision, the decision that would be best for the gospel and bring glory to Christ. We all want to do God's will.

How do we make that decision? How to we find God's will?

Over the next few days, I thought I'd just share how we worked through this decision, this time. It was difficult.

It was easier back in 2008 when we were appointed until the end of this year. However, by the end of that year I was sitting on my bed, weeping, begging God to do something so that we wouldn't have to come back after the Christmas break. But back we came. I was convinced it would be for the last time.

Respectable Sins: Pt 17 (Concluding thoughts)

Chapter 21 - Where do we go from here?

Reading books like this one can always be a little dangerous (in a good way).  While I expected to find this book challenging, I've been surprised to discover sins I've been tolerating in my life.  It's been a hard term for me in a few different ways.   Each of the hard things have highlighted different areas of sin in my life that I had been blind to.  I think part of the reason is because this book has made me think about these things and has prompted me to pray for insight - and my prayers are being answered.  Here's what Bridges says about dealing with our sins in this last chapter:

we need to be honest and humble enough to to admit our subtle sins in order to experience the love that comes through the forgiveness of those sins. But we must also face them in order to deal with them ... The first step in dealing with any sin to acknowledge it and repent in one' attitude toward it... (p. 178-9)

He helpfully provides a list of the topics dealt with and suggests we prayerfully review them.  Also, that we ask someone close to us to give us feedback about sins we might be tolerating (a little bit scary - but a good idea!!). 

I liked the way he took us back to the gospel again at the end.  For it is the gospel that gives us hope as we confront our sin:

Remember that our progressive sanctification - that is, our putting off sin and putting on Christlikeness - rests on two foundation stones: the righteousness of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. Always look to Christ and His perfect righteousness for your standing and your acceptableness to God. Remember, if you are united to Christ, God sees you clothes in His perfect righteousness. And always look to the Holy Spirit to enable you to deal with sin in your life and to produce in you the fruit if the Spirit. (p. 181)

How about you.  How have you been challenged through this book?

Interview with Sue Smith

Can you tell us a bit about yourself, your husband and ministry etc?

Bryson and I met whilst we were both in high school through the local youth group. We both grew up in church going families, and came into our own relationships with Jesus in our early teens. We were married as soon as I finished university. About 5 years later Bryson commenced studying at Moore College, and since completing his studies we have been in pastoral ministry (for 20 years now) in the large rural/regional centre of Dubbo NSW. Our three children (20, 18 &15) were all born in Dubbo, although our eldest daughter isn’t able to live with us now as she is away studying at UNSW, and our second daughter will probably be in the same situation in a few short months.

What have been some of the joys of being in ministry?

There are many joys being in ministry (seeing people come to faith, becoming established in their faith, going on to make gospel focussed decisions themselves, prayers being answered time and time again - just to name a few) however I think for me the greatest joy comes from knowing that there is nothing else I would rather be doing. I have the incredible privilege of being able to ‘work” side by side with Bryson, in helping people to know, and grow in, Jesus.

What have been some of the challenges?

Some of the aspects of ministry life that I find most challenging are being let down by people and seeing people not respond to God’s word the way you hope they will. Another aspect of ministry life that I find challenging is constantly juggling not having enough suitable manpower/ financial resources, and/or time (and the related struggling to train people and prioritise when needs are greater than resources). The juggling never seems to end. At this particular moment we’re especially feeling under pressure with lots of decisions to be made and things to be done because of some ministry changes happening at church. The changes are good but they also come at a time when we have lots of important family issues to deal with.

How does partnership in serving God with your husband work out in practice for you?

In our ministry partnership I am involved, as much as family needs allow, with ministry to women and children, and in supporting Bryson in his work. At the moment this is involving teaching scripture two afternoons per week, co-ordinating a network of ladies Bible study groups and the associated creche one morning per week, meeting one on one with about 3-4 women per week for pastoral care, training or encouragement, meeting for prayer and encouragement each week with the other staff wives, regular hospitality, listening to Bryson’s sermons each week before they are preached and brainstorming with him about whatever issue/situation has come up.

What's the one piece of advice you would give to a younger woman about to become a ministry wife?

Two things I would encourage other ministry wives to do are to be proactive in growing their relationship with Jesus (I have particularly found the relatively new EQUIP Ministry Wives Conference to be very helpful), and also their relationship with their husband. We’ve never “made it” as a Christian (this side of heaven) there’s always more to learn and new issues to work through, new sinful situations to overcome. Similarly we must never become complacent in our marriages as there’s always new twists and turns in life and ministry to face together. I encourage all wives to work at making their husband their best friend and to throw themselves into sharing in his work as much as family needs permit. What could bring greater joy than to be growing in our understanding of our great Lord and Saviour, and to be married to our best friend doing the most significant job in the whole world, together? What a great blessing and privilege it is.

Respectable Sins: Pt 16 (Worldiness)

Chapter 20 - Worldliness

The final 'respectable sin' covered in this book is 'worldliness'.  Bridges writes:

"I define worldliness as being attached to, engrossed in, or preoccupied with the things of this temporal life. The things of this temporal life may or may not be sinful in themselves. What makes our attitude toward things that are not sinful worldliness is the high value we put upon them.”

...Worldliness means accepting the values, mores, and practices of the nice, but unbelieving, society around us without discerning whether or not those values, mores, and practices are biblical. Worldliness is just going along with the culture around us as long as that culture is not obviously sinful.” (p.166)

Bridges looks at three areas - money, immorality and idolatry - in illustrating the ways in which Christians can be worldly.  As I read this chapter, one of the things I kept thinking about is the way that I feel the pull of the world in relation to my kids.  There's so much pressure for them to be like everyone else - to do and be interested in all the same things, to own the same toys and wear the same clothes.  It's so tempting to just give in and help them 'fit in' - especially when the line between worldliness and practicality is so blurry sometimes. 

I loved the way that he concluded the chapter by suggesting that the remedy to worldliness is to decide to be godly - not just to decide not to be worldly.  He refers to the famous sermon by Thomas Chalmers - The expulsive power of a new affection, the main point of which was that 'the best way of casting out an impure affection is to admit a pure one'. (The whole thing is worth a read by the way!).  Bridges argues that "we need an increased affection for God that will expel from our hearts our affections for the things of this world.”  A good point to end the book.

Respectable Sins: Pt 15 (Sins of the Tongue)

Chapter 21 - Sins of the tongue

Bridges starts the chapter by sharing that the most common response he got when he told people he was writing a book on respectable sins, was "oh, you mean, like gossip".  He suggests that this indicates the sin of gossip is widespread in Christian circles.  I agree - and I know I've been guilty of it.  But while gossip is a common sin of the tongue, he defines 'sins of the tongue'  more broadly than that to:

...also include lying, slander, critical speech (even when true), harsh words, insults, sarcasm and ridicule. In fact, we would have to say that any speech that tends to tear down another person - either someone we are talking about or someone we are talking to - is sinful speech (p. 159)

Bridges differentiates between the various sins of the tongue like this:

Gossip - "Gossip is the spreading of unfavorable information about someone else, even if that information is true.”

Slander - “Slander is making a false statement or misrepresentation about another person that defames or damages the person’s reputation. We slander when we ascribe wrong motives to people, even though we cannot see their hearts or know their particular circumstances.”

Critical speech - "Critical speech is negative comments about someone that may be actually true but doesn't need to be said."

It's a pretty short chapter, and I think that's because it's pretty simple really - we're just not to speak in ways that are not going to build each other up (Ephesians 4:29).  I thought it was helpful that there were some examples of the "Christian" ways we indulge in these sins - sharing gossip as 'prayer points' because we enjoy being thought of as someone who is in the know; slandering someone by ascribing motives to someone (including assumptions that someone is 'not committed'); true negative comments that don't really need to be said.  I've been guilty of all these.  

I also appreciated the way that Bridges reminded us of the fact that we need to examine our hearts on this as well.  It's not only a matter of 'biting our tongue' (as helpful as that is at times!), we also need to look at our hearts and address the thoughts that lead to these sins as well. 

Our real problem is our heart. Behind all of our gossip, slander, critical speech, insults, and sarcasm is our sinful heart. The tongue is only the instruments that reveals what's in our hearts. (p. 162)

It occurred to me as I read this chapter that this is an especially important one for us whose husbands are in full time ministry roles.  We'll hear information that we'll be tempted to pass on.  We'll be tempted to ascribe motives to people who disappoint us and slander them.  We might like the feeling of having more 'inside knowledge' about the church and be tempted to share that knowledge with others to make ourselves feel more important.

One question I had as I read the chapter is how we can guard ourselves against sins of the tongue in whatever support networks we might be in as ministry wives.  Many of us find it really helpful to meet with other ministry wives to share and pray about our struggles.  Any ideas for how to stop this becoming an opportunity to sin in this way?

Finally, I did notice that Carolyn McCulley reviewed a book on this subject last week on her blog.  I'm not sure if the book is good or not (haven't read it yet!), but I did think this advice about avoiding sins of the tongue was helpful:

Identify situations in which you're most tempted to lose control and speak out of turn. Then come up with a strategy for how you'll handle those situations in the future. For instance, you might go for a walk or run errands during your lunch break instead of sitting around the lunchroom trading office gossip. Brainstorm ahead of time things you can say to change the subject of a conversation when a friend takes it in a direction you know you shouldn't go. If you tend to be overly critical of your family, make a list of the positive things that you appreciate about each one and then make a point of complimenting them on those things. Ask a trusted friend or family member to hold you accountable and help you with this. One of my friends has worked out signals with her husband that they use to help each other in social situations. When she starts dominating a conversation and giving unsolicited advice, he gently squeezes her shoulder. When he gets too loud and argumentative, she pats his knee. Together they keep each other on course.

Respectable Sins Pt 14: (Envy, Jealousy and related sins)

Chapter 20 - Envy, Jealousy and related sins

I this chapter, I think Bridges addresses a string of 'respectable sins' that can be particularly dangerous traps for outwardly 'good' people (like the older brother in Jesus' parable, for example). 

First, Bridges looks at envy and jealousy.  He addresses them separately, since the two words (while they're often used interchangeably) do have different meanings:

Envy

Envy is the painful and oftentimes resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by someone else. Sometimes we want that same advantage leading to the further sin of covetousness. And sometimes we just resent the other person having something we don't have.  But we don't just envy people in general.  Usually, there are two conditions that tempt us to envy. First, we tend to envy those with whom we most closely identify. Second, we tend to envy in them the areas we value most. (p. 149)

I found those last two insights very helpful in understanding why I've felt envy towards some people but not others.  For example, it was usually those at the same stage of life as me who I would envy when Dave was the minister of our church in Petersham - whether it was their house, or their husband's job, or something else.  It was women having their first babies I envied when I had a miscarriages with my first two pregnancies, not those having their fourth.  I've also been tempted to envy other ministry wives as well - those who seem to have it more together than me - or seem to have gifts I wish I had.   Rachael looked at this phenomenon a bit in her superwoman series earlier this year.  If you missed it, and you are struggling with feelings of envy towards other ministry wives who seem to be 'superwomen', then it's worth a read.

Jealousy

According to this chapter, "Jealousy is usually defined as intolerance of rivalry".   Sometimes, it is right to be jealous, the most common example being when someone is trying to win your husband away from you, but:  

Sinful jealousy occurs...when we are afraid someone is going to become equal or even superior to us. (p. 151)

His thoughts about jealousy actual focussed a bit on people in ministry here, and the temptation to feel jealous of those who have more vibrant ministries.  This made me wonder if this is also a temptation for ministry wives.  What do you think?

Bridges had some helpful suggestions for how to deal with envy and jealousy:

1. Turn to the sovereignty of God. "We must remind ourselves that He determines not only what abilities we have but also the degree of those abilities and the blessing He will bestow on their use" (p. 152)
2. Remember that all believers are one body in Christ.
3. Try not to lose sight of what God might be doing in our lives.  

There were two other sins Bridges looked at in this chapter which he argued were related to envy and jealousy: competitiveness and controlling.

Competitiveness

Competitiveness is basically an expression of selfishness. It's the urge to win at someone else's expense. It is certainly not loving our neighbor as ourselves.

This is an interesting one because it's almost seen as a virtue by the general population, and indeed, many Christians.  Bridges argues that 'doing our best' is the best way to look at things.  This is especially helpful for those of us who are parents - it's so tempting to want our children to be 'the best', and there's so many aspects of our education system that uphold those values that we can get sucked into competitiveness of our society unwittingly.

Controlling

If competitiveness is all about wanting to win, controlling is all about getting our own way - seeking to control others to our advantage or to get what we want.  I think this is a bigger danger for us as ministry wives than we care to admit a lot of the time.  While we often don't have much official power (and we may well have a theoretical belief in male headship that means we would vehemently reject the idea that we were the leaders of our marriages or our churches) we are commonly still very close to the place where decisions get made, and have the opportunity to exert enormous informal influence behind the scenes.  Whilst the wise use of informal influence is hardly a bad thing, the idolatrous need to control is a dangerous temptation, and the way we feel when we don't get our own way is a good litmus test for whether we have been falling into it!

Lots to think about here - I'd love to hear your ideas!

Respectable Sins Pt 13: Judgmentalism

Chapter 19 - Judgmentalism

As with the last chapter, I think today's chapter, on judgmentalism has a lot of application for ministry wives.  Bridges explains:

The sin of judgmentalism is one of the most subtle of our "respectable sins" because it is often practiced under the guise of being zealous for what is right.  It's obvious that within our conservative evangelical churches there are myriads of opinions of everything from theology to conduct to lifestyle and politics.  Not only are there multiple opinions but we usually assume our opinion is correct. That's where our trouble with judgmentalism begins. We equate our opinions with truth. (p.141)

I appreciated the way Bridges gave some examples from his own life of ways he has been judgmental (alcohol, music, dress for church).   I wondered, though, whether these are the same issues that many of us would feel tempted to be judgmental about.  Here are some examples of issues on which I find I am more likely to fall into the trap of judging others:

- other people's use of money;

- other women's decisions (including other ministry wives) about parenting, work and ministry;

- other people's views on how to work out the details of the way that our gender ought to affect the shape of our ministry involvements;

Can you think of any more?

This chapter challenged me to be careful not to judge others who have come to different convictions from mine, based on a conscientious attempt to read and interpret the Bible as the word of God.  The use of Romans 14 in this chapter was a helpful reminder that someone's opinion can be different from mine, and we can both be accepted by God.  It's important too, to note that Paul also says, we must be firmly convinced in our own minds.  So, it is important to think deeply about the Bible.  It's important to do what we think is right, and be confident about that - even to be able to discuss it with our brothers and sisters.  But it is not right to judge those who think differently from us on an issue where there is genuine room for disagreement on how to put together the pieces of what the Bible says and apply them to our situation(s) today. 

Do you have any ideas of how to have conviction and discernment without judgmentalism?

Interview with Ruth Sheath

Can you tell us a bit about yourself, your husband and ministry etc?

I have been married to Dave for 18 years. We have 2 boys (14 and 12) and a 10 year old daughter.
Eight years ago we moved to the Central Coast to start an independent church – “The Lakes Evangelical Church”. I like getting out and going for walks and our holidays usually  involve camping.

What have been some of the joys of being in ministry?

1. I have always wanted to be involved in some sort of ministry so it is a privilege to be married to someone in fulltime ministry – to not be pulled in lots of other directions that secular jobs would pull us in but to be able to spend the time we have trying to serve God and His people – to share in the lives of other people as we grow together.

2. Being involved in starting a church from scratch has been a challenge but it has been wonderful to be part of a church family from the beginning and to see it grow in number and maturity. Being a young church meant we didn’t have the extra baggage that comes with history and time in a church so we were able to set the direction and norms. It meant that the people who came were keen Christians wanting to come to the church to learn from God’s word and so initially we had 95% of people meeting regularly in bible study groups.

3. I am aware of the privilege of leading bible study groups regularly – I learn more as I prepare to teach, it motivates me to be regular in my study and attendance, and to also learn from and care for the other women in the group.

What have been some of the challenges?

1. As you would all know, being in ministry is demanding and tiring with long hours and so that can be a real challenge – especially when we are due for a holiday –wouldn’t it be nice to have a few days off in a row? Imagine having more than one day to try to get things done around the house, spend some quality time with the kids, relax, visit and help our parents, go for a walk etc. (Can you tell that we are due for a holiday soon?)

2. When we first started the church we had to be involved in everything to help it to happen and especially because we didn’t yet know who were the mature Christians, capable of any leading. So Dave had to go out a lot to bible study groups, and most other things happened in our house which was also the church office. For a few years the women’s bible study groups and the kids program all met in our house, literally in every room of the house. There are no suitable community centres in our area so the kids still use our house and garden each week so we are still praying for the money and opportunity to get our own church building. I (and the rest of the family) look forward to the day when I don’t have to get the house and garden and the bible study ready for Wed mornings.

As we have grown we have more people and more “fringe” people and so that sense of knowing everyone well and everyone being just as committed has gone. We also have more history between people and so we have had to deal more with conflict between people and also that credibility gap – where people may have assumed or been led to believe something about Dave that isn’t true.

 3. Our particular area rates very highly in all the statistics which are not desirable eg. marital breakdown, abuse of all kinds, financial hardship... Meeting with people who are very broken, it is hard to stand by sometimes while someone makes some more unwise choices and then have to be available to help pick up the pieces later.

How does partnership in serving God with your husband work out in practice for you?

My aim is to free Dave up to do ministry, so I have taken on the majority of the household tasks.
 I also try to support him in his ministry – helping by providing lunches, suppers etc, being a sounding board and trying to be available when he needs to debrief. I have found that at the end of the year when he (and others) is feeling weary, putting on a Christmas Dinner for the whole (adult) church family has been an encouragement as people review the year and sing some Christmas Carols and enjoy an inexpensive meal together.

I have tried to facilitate women’s ministries in our church – women’s bible study groups and pre-evangelistic and evangelistic events. Although this has sometimes put more stress on Dave and the rest of the family it has been great to see women learning to meet together regularly to encourage one another in God’s word and also to have opportunities to invite non church women to meet with church women where they can enjoy themselves and hear something of Christ.

What's the one piece of advice you would give to a younger woman about to become a ministry wife?

There is no one way to be a ministry wife. It will depend on you and the personality and needs of your husband and children and also the specific situation you are ministering in. We need to be willing to wear the “hats" that God wants us to. Sometimes we may not feel that we are very qualified to do something but if we are convicted that it would be better that it happen than not then it may be up to us to do it – and then try to open the way for someone else to take over once they catch the vision. We need to keep being aware of the changing needs of our family so that we do not neglect them – they need to be our first ministry priority although serving in ministry will be a blessing to them too.

Respectable Sins: Pt 12 (Anger and the Weeds of Anger)

Chapters 15 and 16

 In my intial post for this series I quoted Peter Brain who writes that ministers "are amongst the angriest group of people he works with" (Going the Distance, p.84). I also surmised, that the same can be said of ministers' wives.  For that reason, I think these two chapters are especially relevant to us.

Bridges first defines anger as:

a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism. I would add that it's often accompanied by sinful emotions, words and actions hurtful to those who are the objects of our anger. (p. 121)

He's not referring to righteous anger here, or even to big outward displays of anger (which are clearly sin, but not so 'respectable').  Instead he looks at the 'respectable' ways many of us can be angry.

 After looking at some of the reasons we get angry and the fact that no one can be blamed for our anger except ourselves, Bridges then looks at how we should address our anger:

How can we handle our anger in a God-honouring way? First we have to recognise and acknowledge our anger and the sinfulness of it...Then we need to ask ourselves why we become angry. Was it because of our pride or selfishness or some idol of the heart we are protecting. If so, we need to repent not only of our anger but also of our pride, selfishness or idolatry. (p. 125)

We also need to change our attitude towards the person or pwersons whose words or actions triggered the anger and ask forgiveness of the person if we have directed anger outwardly at them.

 In the next chapter, he looks at what he calls the 'weeds' of anger - the sins that crop up as a result of the anger in our hearts.  They include:

• resentment - anger held on to, which is often internalized
• bitterness - resentment that has grown into ongoing animosity 
• enmity and hostility - a higher level of animosity than bitterness, often expressed openly
• holding a grudge - planning, although usually not following through, revenge
• strife - open conflict or turmoil, often with groups rather than individuals

So "how can we deal with our anger so so that it does not being to sprout these noxious weeds?" (p133)

 1. We must look to the sovereignty of God - and remind ourselves that God intends all things for our good;

 2. We should pray that God will enable us to grow in love - love enables us to overlook the sinful actions of other people;

 3. We need to learn to forgive as God has forgiven us - the basis of our forgiving one another, is the enormity of God's forgiveness of us.

 As I read these chapters, I'm ashamed to admit that I could recognise many times I have fallen into the trap of harbouring anger.  I think I feel particularly angry when people criticise Dave (which seems to go with the job when you're in ministry!) and I tend to fall into the trap of feeling resentment.  I dwell on the thing that had hurt Dave (and me) and I don't let it go and try and forgive.  These chapters really challenged me on the seriousness of this (I think I tend to think it's justified if the other person has behaved badly!), and motivated me to try and forgive when people hurt me and Dave rather than feel angry.  This can only be done with much prayer!

Bridges also spends a bit of time discussing being angry with God.  He points out that it is a sin to be angry with God but encourages us to admit this sin to God and pray asking for help in dealing with it.  This reminded me of a helpful article by John Piper on this exact subject which emphasises why it's so important to be prepared to repent rather than be guilty of hypocrisy as well. 

What things tempt you to feel anger?  What things have helped you to forgive those who have hurt you?